My Story: The Aftermath

Well, let me just start off by saying how cleansing that was. I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Last night I literally felt like I got fresh air into my lungs. It was awesome. I haven't felt this excited in a long time!

Last night I asked my Pastor if he had me all figured out from the start. I wanted to know if he could name all the reasons for why I did what I did back in the day.
Was it all because I didn't have a strong father figure?
And he said that was one reason...
"Another would be resentment towards your mom. Another would be pride. Another would be rebellion. Another would be no walk with God. Another would be a desire to be loved at any cost. Another would be immaturity. Another would be not listening to wise counsel. Another would be dishonesty."

And that made me so happy!
Because now I can look at that list and see that it is true when two years ago I would have looked at it and denied it at every turn. My list would have looked a lot like this...
It's because no one listens to me. It's because my mom is mean to me. It's because everyone thinks they have me all figured out when they have no idea. It's because I'm ugly. It's because no one really cares about me.

Does anyone else notice a recurring theme in all that? ME ME ME!

Mrs. B always used to tell me how selfish I was, and I would think...."What a mean thing to say to me, this poor suffering soul, oh woe is me..."
Well I didn't think that exactly, but I might as well!

Anyway, I never sat down and wrote this all out before and called everything what it was and what it wasn't. Although it dawned on me before that I had issues (lol) I don't think I ever sat down and told myself exactly what all my issues were and recognized the true reasons for all that I had done in the past. And let me tell you, it feels awesome growing up and finally seeing the truth.

And all that leads me too my main point. Because if you got nothing else from my story, than I hope you take away at least one of these points.

1. Please realize how important a father is in their daughter's life. Whether you are one or married to one. Because I'm not exactly sure where my life would be right now if I had had a strong father figure, but I don't really think I would be where I am today. Or I wouldn't have gotten here the same way that I did. And don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming all my trials on my dad in any way. I love my dad tons and I know that he loves me too. But if I had had him there in my pre-teen years, telling me I was beautiful and that he loved me, well...a lot of things would be different. And I probably wouldn't have as many self esteem issues as I do. There is nothing like a father to a young girl. If he makes her feel like a princess, then she won't waste time on anything less than a prince as she grows up. And that is so important. So very, very important.
It reminds me of all the times I told my dad to "carry me like a princess" down the stairs or to my room. It made me feel special :)

2. I wish this on no one, but please also realize how important a mother is to their daughter...especially if she becomes pregnant. And again I blame no one for what I have done! My choices were my choices. I just think that I needed my mom to be there for me in my time of need more than I needed her to punish me. I hope this is coming out right. My mom had EVERY right to be angry. She had EVERY right to punish me and put restrictions on me. I needed that. But what I needed more than anything, was for her to wrap her arms around me and just love on me. And tell me that everything would be ok. And that we would get through this together. Looking back, I know I gave her such a hard time. And I know I wanted her to suffer because I was suffering. But who knows what a difference a hug would have made? Because even though I don't think it would have changed my life so drastically that I would have fallen to my knees and begged for forgiveness...I do think it would have helped me see that light a little bit sooner.
And like I said before, my mom has become one of my best friends :) Our relationship is better now than it has been in years. I still think we have a lot of learning and growing to do, but we are doing it together. And together is better!

All that to say, please just be there for your daughters. For your sons too! Just listen to what they have to say above anything else. Be a parent to them. Show them Christ's love through your life. Be a parent first and friend second. But still be their friend. Because talking to them and recognizing when they are hurting is the first step to helping them heal. Don't just chalk it all up to regular teenage angst. You never know what a difference you will make by just hearing them out.

3. Lastly and most importantly, PLEASE realize how important the Lord is in your life. Now rather than later. Not just for saving you, not just for hearing your prayers or helping to fix your problems (although those things are important!), but as your strength and your foundation. Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my life would be 100% different if I had just let the Lord run the show from the first day I sat down and heard my Pastor's counsel. And let me just say that I LOVE my boys. Love them. Tremendously. And I so very much love my husband. I love him tons and tons. And although I'm sure most of you will understand that I don't necessarily regret having my sons or meeting my husband..I do wish that it could have taken place at a different time or in a different way so that we wouldn't have to deal with all the consequences of sin that have been such a huge part of our lives. God was always there waiting for me to realize that my strength was no where near enough. And I wish I had listened to Him when He told me that I was still special and I was still loved. Even when I felt like the most unloved creature in the world. Seriously, just let God love you. Let Him love you. There is no feeling like it in this whole world. Nothing compares.

So I guess that's that. I could write forever about all the stuff that I have learned and all the ways I have changed this past year. All the ways I see things differently. Like my Pastors family. I recently paid them a visit and instead of feeling almost "chosen" that I am the one that gets to come over their house, I now feel humbled and I honored that I got to watch their family grow and learn so much from them. A lot of how I want to parent comes from watching them with their kids. And what a gift that has been!

Thanks for reading. Thanks for listening to me vent.
I really think this process, as fast and furious as it was, has helped to melt the last traces of ice around my heart.

And it feels wonderful.